Arsip.

She asked me to sit beside her, then she hugged me one-hand through my back. "I'm so happy and touched right now.. This is so beautiful." I couldn't hold it anymore. The pain I piled up little to more each time the words "you will definitely do it" being labeled to me, ragging my intention, are now a mountain that blast. It was a cornucopia of happiness, sadness, jealousy, ambition, belief, solidarity, confidence, relief, compassion, a hurricane. I cried, so hard and sudden, unstoppable, disentangling every phase of self-judgmental then sadness then relief then positive and repeat for hundreds. I couldn't believe what I just did, it felt so suffocating my neck and forcing. Hundreds of flashback episodes repeating inside my head, telling me how passionate I was, how selfless I was to take care of expectations. Ah, what a time for (another) untitled self, also with happy plans to do next. Friends came to hug me, which means to bring me more...

"You don't have to push yourself too hard." he said. I swallowed myself into my backpack, swimming on my thoughts. "Besides," "..she wouldn't care at all, right?" I cut his words, braiding stories that, I swear, I cursed myself for thinking too much. "She had her own world, gathering golds, being a queen to her own territory.." He laughed while facing his cup, delayed his sip of coffee. "Ah, sad little prince." I cringed. I'm not that pathetic. "You want that feeling to everlast or not?" he asked. The coffee shop felt so quiet all of a sudden, just some conversations and live music murmuring behind my ear. "er.. no?" I wasn't so certain but after that, "No." "Listen. If you determined to not pursuing her, you don't want to be overwhelmed by her, just go away. Go to the furthest ocean. Build your own kingdom, be surrounded by your mean of better life, for at least this t...