A Time for Myself

These times are like a long long long holiday. People are stuck inside their houses. Me, a homebody, are sparked with plans. Paint, write, read novels, learn a new song, journal, scrapbook, plant veggies, bake cakes, there's a lot more to my bucket list. Things that I'd like to do by myself, to make myself happy.

Looks like having a time for myself is quite hard at home. Been so many months and my bucket list is still unchecked well. I keep on thinking about other people and how I can be there every time. What if someone needed my help when I am all by myself painting? Who else will be that one-call-away buddy? When I am having a time for myself, I miss a lot of chance to be helpful and useful, and I feel guilty for that. These thoughts set distance from my time for myself. More dangerously, they put me into "available" mode almost all the time: sitting by my phone or something else less "time for myself" to be one-call-away. Sometimes I just want to go away to somewhere isolated from home, which I did try but ended up being anxious and rushed home. A time for myself sounds so selfish and small minded.

What is a time for myself anyway? Am I too selfish with that definition of time for myself? Should I redefine it?

I just need to manage my time better, I just need to do it after everyone is asleep but it'll mess up my health later, I just need to accept my condition and keep being happy because happy source is there if I make it that way. Some self-counseling lines to cheer up my days. Soon to be updated, because I feel like this cycle of thinking starts to be a bit toxic.

Don't know how long I will be in this state of mind, maybe after some life-changing moments of when I finally can make decisions for myself. Hope the day will come, hope I will be more developed that way because I've been believing that thought for some times.

Believe me, I can still improve as a person with any circumstances. I just have to get rid of that ideal life image and wondering about it for the longest of time when it just can't happen. Plus, less feeling of regret and self-blaming for things that couldn't be done before. Sounds like a challenge and a bit of new year's resolution vibe, huh?

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