You don't act, right?

It is already dark and crews are tidying up the set. She's just finishing a call when he approaches.

"Can we have a little chat before you go home?"

"Yes sure we can, but why?"

***

Five years ago.

People kept saying that it's not my fault, but it actually is.

I left her, not once, not twice, but thrice.

I loved her, so much that it kind of became an obsession. So afraid of losing her, I pulled her, hold her too hard she suffocated. She even constantly helped me get out of my shadows, embraced me, been transparent and honest with me. It was me who refused to be helped.

When she left, it was actually me who left her. She even wished for my happiness soon. She even told me that she was sorry for not being the right person for me. And in all that, I was still drowned in my own shadows. I pushed her away just because I thought my so called love hurt her too much. We separated with wounds on her and selfishness on me. 

That was the first time I left her.

When she met her half, I drowned even deeper. We cut contacts ever since but I felt betrayed and jealous, wishing the whole time she still wanted us back when she tried to move on and be happy again. It was all me who paved her way like that, who made her feel the need to fight her own hardship and start brand new. I felt like I neglected her that I couldn't get her back to where we were before.

That was the second time I left her.

One day I heard she worked in the building across where I worked, and it urged me to go to her. She left her tripod on me years ago and I wanted to return it, well, actually I just wanted to see her again and say sorry. But my courage drained when I got to the sidewalk, I could only stare along the crosswalk. I bet she wouldn't even care about her tripod, let alone me. My gut was right, she came out brightly out of the lobby to meet her half that just arrived with a sedan.

They left.  If only I could cross the road and waited for her on the lobby.. Maybe tomorrow I'll wait at the same hour or earlier for her. I walked home, it was the same way as the sedan went.

Suddenly a loud crashing sound broke in the middle of the street. It was so loud it stabbed me in the heart. Those were a reckless truck and a sedan. A fire blasted on the street. Right in front of my eyes, I could see it clearly that it was that sedan. It was her. I tried to run closer but my knees weakened, I tumbled on the sidewalk. It was her. If only I crossed the road and return her tripod, and maybe go for a little chat, or say sorry.. 

Five years ago was the third time I left her. I was so stupid that I even wasted my third chance to make up my mistakes to her. Even worse, that was my last chance to actually be there for her, be sort of a shield from a bad fate.

I came to the farewell, I came back home, crying blankly. I couldn't even forgive myself. Do I even deserve to be forgiven?  It took me months to get used to this gloom, because it just never got better. The door to my heart was well shut, hoping no chance for me to break any heart again.

***

They both decide to seat on a concrete stair. The night breeze flows through them, cold but refreshing.

"First, I'm sorry for what I'm about to say. You don't act, right? People might say you are a great actress, well.. you are. We've been in this industry for years, I can tell you don't fake anything. I'm kind of concerned.."

"Thank you for realizing that. I don't mind being exposed to threatening things in the future just because I tell you the truth."

They go silent for a moment as he tries to accept the fact, which he already anticipated. His mind is noisy but controlled well, like a whole parade inside a tight barrel.

"I'm sorry.."

"Don't be sorry. To be frank, in my eyes, you are as shining as everyone else thinks, but also you are in the middle of a healing wounds."

He startled but not denying the fact.

"I know you're still having a complex with the past, I know that you still need to step back a little. But I want you to know that I believe you are striving and I'll be beside you if you need some.. candies? Oh my, what am I talking about."

He replies silently with a smile, his eyes go from hers to the stars.

"Well, about that.." she looks hesitated.
"That's okay, I really appreciate what you are saying. I still can't believe I got to hear this from you now.. I'm kind of relieved."

"I wont start to be more curious again about your past, but you know what? It is great to really know what weighs you down as clear as possible and be friendly with it, so you know what it brings to your life, your thoughts and behaviors. You cannot really say goodbye to it, so what I can tell you right now is to gradually believe that you've learned from your past so you are stronger now and more stronger the next day."

"Well, I'll have to try to believe that from now on."

"But don't forget to go with your pace."

"I'll take my time."

"You have to. You're doing great." she restrains herself to hold his hands.

The air doesn't feel cold anymore.

"Hmm, what should I, do, after this?"

"Well, it's not uncomfortable. I'm pleased with our current situation." he smiles, so little as if he tries to not get caught.

She smiles while resting her chin on the back of her hands. Both lost in thought, as if their existence blended with the night breeze and the sky.

"Anyways," she chuckles. "I just realized that we almost don't say anything completely, like always halfway through."

"I find that fascinating. Thank you for being honest."

"Thank you for understanding. Well, we both are being honest and understanding. We need to say thank you to ourselves." they giggle.

He fixes his jacket. "Shall we.. go? Are you going home after this?"

"I'm hungry."

"It's on me, you gave me a good advice."

"Oh, how smooth! I'm going to see you again after this."

He chuckles. "I'll drive."

***

Two years ago.

He wouldn't even realize who I was, we didn't even work on a project together yet, but I kept looking at him at all times. He was (and I'm sure will always be) extremely talented. When he acted, the script would look like it was his own experience. He even added notes to the production team and the director about certain parts through his perspectives. I wouldn't even surprised if he launched his self-directed movie.

I could go deep about his eyes (we've never even locked eyes for once). Blue, green, brown, and gold. His gaze is like a breeze, like a small waterfall that trickles in the middle of a forest, but also warm, like a mug of hot chocolate. To add more about him, his personality is just, well, perfect. Wise and funny. Structured and flowy. Friendly with the perfect amount of bubbliness. He is literally a role model and an inspiration to those around him. His presence and charisma feels like an embrace from an older brother, a bestfriend, a mentor, a guardian, or maybe a spouse?

LOL, I just like him so much.

We finally got to meet on a small project, so I got to know him more, at least indirectly. The more that I look at him, the more I see the blocks that built him. There was a time when we got a chance to have a late night deep talk in a small group of people. When someone brought up about regretful moments, he started to look blank, like absorbed into his own thoughts. His gaze was blank, but expressed kind of deep pain. At some point he got the courage to speak up about his regrets vaguely, and I was shocked. I bet he had a very hard time but managed to stand strong in front of others until now. That bitterness I saw, was that what made him a great person now?

Two months ago.

The day had finally came for us to be on the same project again for a movie (well, only I waited). I worked as hard as I could and sharpened my weapon nonstop that I made it as the main female character. Him? I wasn't expecting that hard, but as we all could tell, he was chosen as the main male character. I almost couldn't come to the first script reading because of my nervousness. But I came, LOL. I'm being paid, after all.

My sister was going to pick me up but it was kind of an hour after the first reading finished, so I took a chance to have a cup of instant noodle at a minimarket. In the cashier, I met him. Is the universe being kind right now?

"Can I join you?"

Is the universe being too kind right now?

We sat but the first 10 minutes was a total silence. I bet his noodles had gone cold and soggy. I felt like he just needed a company, so I acted as comfortable as possible with my noodle. It was so good that my head danced a bit. He laughed at me a little while still being silent.

Now only the soup remained. "You looked heavy, is everything okay?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah, just a routine visitation of.. unpleasant flashes of memory?"

Ah, everyone has this kind of phase, but seeing him being like that felt like he was more real as a person. "I see. I hope the noodle and my company lighten you up a bit. Don't let your noodles freeze, it tastes very good. Guaranteed, I've eaten it twice."

"They do. Thanks." he finally ate his noodles, thank goodness.

He was silent again for a moment as I finished my soup.

"It's about her. Why? Why am I so stupid? She passed away and I couldn't even apologize to her."

I was shook by his sudden story. It was too short for a story but so heavy.

"I feel like my guilt and regret eat me up, monopolize my mind. I feel like something that can't be fixed."

I didn't know what to do except for giving all my attention to him, tried to feel his hardship also.

"That must be hard for you to feel that way. Can you tell me more about it? Maybe describing it could help us see in a helicopter view and hopefully will help you."

That was the moment when I saw him being the most wounded person ever. His story about her, I might feel the same guilt if that happened to me. That woman must be so special, he loved her so much that the guilt hurt him for years. The thing is, he's been running away and hiding from his own burden, which made the burden even heavier the time he got to face it.

"Thank you for letting me know about what you've been through. That must be though to express everything in your mind." I didn't think twice saying that. 

He smiled warmly as he finished his noodle. "It is. You're like my first therapist now."

"Really? Oh, don't say that, really." I folded my arms in awkward. "Anyway, can I give a little comment?"

He agreed silently.

"You must love her so much. Her influence is so strong, it makes you a great person you are.  She must want the best for you and be happy to see you being great."

"Really?" he looked at me like a kid hiding behind a curtain with his half face out.

"Hundred percent."

He turned his gaze to the empty road, looking mixed, for quite some time.

A sound of car engine grumbled softly behind us. "Well, that's my sister. I have to go home now. Don't forget to take some rest. See you on the set!" I waved and got up. I was too nervous to look directly at his face but I can see a glimpse of him smiled a thank you.

"Thank you for comforting me."

The universe is really kind. I went away before my face got too blushy.

He might not know this explicitly, but after that instant noodle meeting, I promised myself to help him out of his guilt and whatever weighed him down, to let him know that he still have chances, to let him know that he can love again. I'm not gonna stay quiet, I need to show it all because he needs to be shown something that can't be doubted.

***

As they go downtown, they don't talk much. Just the sound of the engine, the dim lights, and their presence.

"Hey."

"Hm?"

"Why?"

"Why? What's wrong with being straightforward?"

He laughed, bigger than the whole conversation before. "How come you know me so well?"

"Because I look at you all the time, you know. Well, we've been working on the same project these months."

"I'm so jealous."

"Don't be. I'm just as jealous as you are."

"For what?"

"For being so strong, charismatic, and beautiful."

"Stop it, I'm not like that. You shy me."

"Should I slow myself down a bit?"

He laughs.

"I want to hug you."

"Stop it." he tries as hard as he can to hold his smile, turns out to be a wise smile.

"You look like an old wise man with that smile. Still beautiful though."

It's a red light, as red as his face as he hides it behind his palm.