Yes, I currently finished Sekolah Pra Nikah Salman ITB
Yes, I currently finished the whole SPN Salman ITB. The first offline batch of SPN after about 2-3 years of hiatus (and lots of online batches).
Participating as a student in SPN (sekolah pra nikah, pre marital school) is a bold move, I must say. All I want is to learn and understand before I need to do it, so I don't have to learn and understand from scratch on the spot which I believe will be in the middle of chaos. Trust me, I haven't experienced much (read: no experience) but the whole process to become a steady self with a lifetime partner is chaotic (not only after that).
Before I continue: No, I am not in the position to marry yet right now, but I realize that the chance to study before everything gets in the way is now.
SPN put me in a comprehension state to see everything objectively, because marriage is not only consolidating with love. Love is too subjective to be the only vessel across the non-stop turbulent ocean. You need good gears, enough supplies, skills to manage the use of supplies, skills to communicate, skills to survive, skills to manage problems, finance skills, the list goes on. You also need to be in a good state before you start. Well, you still need love, because that should be the situation surrounding marriage (QS 30:21). Most importantly, you need a navigation devices and the destination to navigate to.
To avoid making long paragraphs, here I try to share some important points I got throughout my learning process in SPN.
- Marriage is a serious unit. It is more than just forming a family with offspring, but a whole new generation that continues to preserve the main function of human on earth, and this is not only on the point of view of islamic concept that most of us already know (QS 51:56, QS 2:30). It is really systemic, really impactful to the society, that governments need to record the marriages of you all. From this kind of wife and this kind of husband, what kind of generation will there be scattered on earth? You will then question: what kind of generation we want there to be scattered on earth? And you'll go back to the first question again: If I'm gonna marry, what kind of spouse will fit the objectives? And what objectives?
- Talking about objectives, I really have no idea what it is. Not because I have no purpose in life, because the purpose is already written in the Quran, but when people speak up about finding their calling, or what so called jati diri, I don't get it. It sounds vapid. But actually each person have been given their own color and specialties (QS 2:138), and that's what we should look for while we try to understand ourselves. That color, that specialties, are what we're gonna use to scatter on earth, gaining and giving, doing what is written in the Quran. It is like a brand, an identity of us without harming the principals. Understanding yourself is really important before you think about stepping into marriage.
- As expected, ta'aruf is one of the main topics here (I won't make a whole article about ta'aruf, though, that would be people on that field). I sometimes feel bad to still have a mixed feelings about this sharia method to meet your future spouse. CV exchange and everything? Is it an obligation? It is not, because it won't be the cause of a marriage to be legit from sharia point of view (your marriage won't be illegitimate if you don't do it). You can still meet your spouse in many ways, right? Therefore, ta'aruf is "mubah" or "permitted". But, well, in this untrusted world, what would you do? You may do what suits you the most, as long as it is still in the sharia corridor.
- Thinking that you could change your spouse to be as you wish after marriage because he/she loves you? You can't. You're gonna marry someone that is already fixed according to the teachings from the past, either family, education, or circumstances. It is not impossible and there is no specific way to do it, as it is case-based. One of the ways to get along is to look into yourself also, as to what you can do to be harmonized with your spouse. No self-centered mindset will solve problems caused by different principals.
- Still related to the previous point and what many people have problems with is the understanding of "when you are married, there will be no more me and you but us." When there is no understanding each other, helping each other, protecting each other, and other each others, what would a marriage be? You have to be ready to be selfless.
- A very conspicuous question by female participants here is "Why husbands won't let their wives work?" This deserves a whole narration as it is not just a blunt question and blunt issue. If you are following islamic teachings, you must understand that there is a personalized portion of roles among male and female spouses in a marriage. And again, those roles are not to make one more powerful than the other. When spouses go back to that, then analyze the condition of each spouses and their household, and then accepting what condition should be according to the sharia (because they are muslims), than if Allah wills, things are going to be calmer.
- The thing I also found vapid is that the most mentioned solution of problems in marriage presented in the discussion session is com mu ni ca tion. Really. They should communicate with each other. But really, what else should be the solution? So many problems are caused either by miscommunication, one or both has difficulty in or not even communicating, negative communication, or all of them. The way we understand and accept others way to communicate is also an important point to be improved. Most importantly, both parties should fix the communication together with unified goal. Otherwise, I don't know. At the end, good communication can create a safe and comfortable condition between spouses as it should be.
- Don't be a perfectionist. I won't garnish that sentence with curvy dictions. Perfectionism during the process of choosing a spouse won't get you into meeting one as no one is perfect. Perfectionism during marriage won't get you anywhere as nothing seems to work from your eyes. More dangerously, perfectionism (in extreme cases) can make everything wrong if not reaching your ideal and can lead to ungratefulness. That doesn't sound like a peaceful way to live. Be grateful with what you have is a skill that goes a long way. When you are grateful, you don't regret and you don't look at what you don't have as something better. By that, you will learn more and grow more. Sounds cliché I know, but it is hard and worth it. Note: not to glorify being grateful inside a toxic situation you need to get out of.
- Still related to the previous points, a common question asked during the discussion session is "What if our spouse don't fulfill our expectations even after doing ta'aruf?" The conclusion I got from here is: Your expectations won't get fulfilled and you will be surprised along the way. Understandings cannot come in an instant, it is an ongoing process. You will find yourself trying to understand and harmonize with your spouse forever.
Ended up making long paragraphs (that can possibly be added in the future). I don't even go into parenting and finance yet. This is only a tiny bit. I hope you are not tired and you get my point. But really, I am truly grateful of what we are all learning throughout the whole period. I am thankful for my friends that "dragged" me into this event. I am really thankful for the team that prepared this event, and I am really thankful for all the people I met here as participants. I'm just a junior and I learned a lot from what you've shared throughout this event. Hope you all are blessed with beautiful path in the future and Allah will open good opportunities to improve ourselves. Jazakumullah khairan. Barakallah. Alhamdulillah.
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