The Aloner and The Together
This post can be edited in the future, depending on how I see this issue through times.
It started with the thoughts I had on bright people who work in great communities, or organizations, or groups, I might say. Spreading good messages that I had always liked along the scroll, sharing great insights from slide to slide. Seeing people work on, or even lead, an abundant of projects with abundant volunteers always amazes me. They always look so firm with their principals and what they want to do. I see them as people who are a good example for me to look up into.
The thing is-people said that people with matching interests tend to gather-why am I not with them? Why am I here, saying yes to all what they say while wandering around, doing something else? I even state frequently that I don't match well with communities I wished to be in that I fade away easily when I tried to get in.
Do I really wish to be like them? Do I really wish to be with them? Or do I wish just to be great as in the portfolio like them?
The thoughts continued into conversations with my friends. I asked on why am I not with them when I know they are doing something good as young people, especially, servants? Am I not willing to be a good servant too?
A friend told me that things like that (or more like everything) needs a willingness from inside you. "Do you have it? The willingness? The purpose? The magnet? Something that drives your most will? What is it?" The question itself referred to the willingness to join youth religious communities, but it got me questioning myself. I feel like I don't have that strength of a purpose or magnet or whatever it is. How to have, or find, one? The thing to assure yourself to become a good servant? I know and believe all the theories but I feel like I don't engage them into the practices. I tried to do more of what a good servant do (obligatory and non-obligatory good deeds) because I believe them to be true and I believe that in some ways they will lead me into finding my own purpose, but at some point this got me questioning my own core. Do I have one, or am I just driving following the road according to the map without realizing what I am doing? (I suddenly remembered how I always get to campus automatically everyday, like, I am driving autopilot-ly with muscle memory. Scary, LOL)
Back to my thoughts on them people I admire, do I really want to be like them? Am I just feeling insecure? Or am I just being envious with all the media exposure of their dakwa or social activities? Are their things just not for me? Maybe that linked to my low "engagement" to religious youth group activities. I know it's good but I ended up don't have enough attention and interest in continuing or improving there. Is this wrong that I don't really interested in those activities? Am I not willing to be a good servant too?
The conversations continued to the very basic. As to why people can do great things in a group or being a great person with vast influence, what is their main goal? It can't be too far from the book and it can't be too specific (for "great people" only, LOL). So, to be more general, what is our goal? Our creator had stated clearly on the manual book of His creation that the goal of humans living in His earth is to achieve the state of taqwa (2:21 and a lot more, they actually scattered in the whole Quran). Why taqwa? It is the form of us being the best version of Allah's servant and creation. As we love Him and fear Him, we do what He commands us to do and avoid what He commands us to avoid. Why, though? Because He is the Creator of us and the world we live in, and he gave us the manual to live accordingly.
Then, what is the correlation of that narration above and those great people and deeds? Humans are given the best specifications among Allah's creations: mind, senses, choices. Those create a diverse human society with how they live their lifes. So, it seems like they are all doing their own form of achieving taqwa! And me and you, too, can do the same, because we all have the same goal: achieving taqwa! Nothing too different from this group and that group, this individual and that individual, as long as they share the same goal. I may be the aloner and they are the together, but we actually achieving taqwa together.
The thing is, we don't go back to where we came from (Jannah) alone. We go back together in a large group (39:73). Things we do in this world must be a preparation to go back safely, and we cannot prepare those alone. Yes, you may define yourself as an aloner, but you don't study and interpet the Quran to be implied in your life alone, right?
The main point is we all need to have the same goal or vision, whatever the mission or ways to go there.
I was told that there are more ways to be a good servant and achieve taqwa, not just being active in a group. If you can be good by yourself, do it first. If you can be good together with your family, that's already great, especially having a family with strong base is important. If you are worrying too much about not being able to do something in a group or community, or just simply being insecure, you will overlook onto what you've already done and being less grateful, which is kind of not great.
Again, the main point is aliking purposes, whether I go alone (for now) and great people go together. No matter who we are, aloner or together, I hope we can go back home and go back together. I might still learning on what I am and what I really want, but I believe that this journey will find its conclusion and be worth it.
There is no power nor strength except with Allah. May Allah grants us taufiq and hidayah, as both cannot just come to us, but we walk our way to them.
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