Arsip.

It is already dark and crews are tidying up the set. She's just finishing a call when he approaches. "Can we have a little chat before you go home?" "Yes sure we can, but why?" *** Five years ago. People kept saying that it's not my fault, but it actually is. I left her, not once, not twice, but thrice. I loved her, so much that it kind of became an obsession. So afraid of losing her, I pulled her, hold her too hard she suffocated. She even constantly helped me get out of my shadows, embraced me, been transparent and honest with me. It was me who refused to be helped. When she left, it was actually me who left her. She even wished for my happiness soon. She even told me that she was sorry for not being the right person for me. And in all that, I was still drowned in my own shadows. I pushed her away just because I thought my so called love hurt her too much. We separated with wounds on her and selfishness on me.  That was the first time I left her. When she ...

 "I knew it. You always being so calm and nodding to all of my sayings. Turns out you talk the other way behind my back." "That's because I always try to figure out how to tell you if something is not right. You won't accept any other opinions except yours the time you tell everybody. You need to settle down after an argument with others just because you are so into your mind, maybe after that I can tell you." "Are you not siding with me? After all these time?" "Why should I be on your side? What do you want, the best solution or people following you around? Here we are not talking about a bunch of simple things, these are a whole complex systems! And yet people still need to hear and argue with you? And then agreeing you?" "Well, I'm just trying to speak my mind.." "About what you think is the best, but sometimes it takes more heads to solve a problem, not just you bossing around."  "That's very rude....

Sekali-kali, coba dihadapi dan diterima saja semua kekuranganmu di mata orang lain yang sempat disampaikan kepadamu. Jangan terus menampik dan melindungi diri seolah-olah kamu sudah mengerti apa yang orang lain katakan tentangmu, atau seolah-olah kamu sudah mengerti tentangmu. Iya, kamu mengerti tentangmu. Mungkin orang lain tidak semengerti kamu kalau menyangkut soal kamu. Seperti kata pepatah, jangan suka mengatai orang lain, kamu 'kan tidak tahu apa yang sudah dilalui orang itu , berarti orang lain perlu berpikir seperti itu terhadapmu, 'kan? Pusing-pusing amat, memikirkan seharusnya orang berlaku seperti apa terhadapmu, berkata apa tentangmu. Tapi, yang orang lain katakan tentangmu bisa jadi benar, dan kamu bisa berkaca dari apa yang orang lain katakan tentangmu.  Apa ya, istilahnya? Oh iya. Blind spot . Titik buta. Kamu juga punya, 'kan? Mungkin seseorang akan berkata tentang suatu kekuranganmu yang belum pernah kamu ketahui sebelumnya, kapan dan dimana saja. Bila kamu...

"Hey, please help me with this. It will take some time, I hope it won't bother you." "I want to, but I'm in the middle of my own business. Sorry." "It's okay, take your time." Are you sure you really need to say you're on your own business? They need your help. Doesn't matter they say it explicitly or implicitly, they need your help. Maybe an important and urgent one. And you just gonna toss away? I know you feel guilty and selfish now, right? You can do your own later. Think about it, you will definitely feel sorry and angry to yourself later for 'wasting' your time in this other people's business when yours are abandoned, like, for ever? When are you gonna think about yourself? When you are apart from anyone else? You will never. They are not even forcing you to spare your time for them. This is the chance to take care of yourself. The world doesn't go around everyone that is except you. Let go. Accomplish your goals. ...

Sometimes you lose track of time when you're looking at everyone else's lives. Just like being in the supermarket.  Sometimes you lose track of time when you're in the supermarket. You're looking at the beauty of how things are organized well. You're looking at cute snacks or instant noodles, fancy looking utensils or various sheet masks. You're going through every corridor and every section but that's it. You're not going to buy anything. You're just admiring them. You even forget what you really need to buy. You even forget who you are going to the supermarket with and separate absently. Sometimes you lose track of time when you're looking at everyone else's lives because they are so perfect and beautiful to see. You're going through every person and every stories but that's it. You're not going to take any lessons for yourself to grow. You're just admiring them, and be jealous sometimes, or regretting your choices before. Y...

Bukan, bukan yang ini. Modelnya cocok, tapi kalau warna lain mungkin lebih bagus. Nah, itu dia. Lembayung pastel, cocok untuk warna kulitku. Fitting room dimana ya? Oh, itu dia. *** Baiklah, aku akan beli yang ini. Ketuk palu tiga kali. Senang rasanya bisa beli baju dengan uang sendiri. Sudah tiga bulan aku mulai hidup dengan pemasukan sendiri, apakah aku memang sudah jadi orang dewasa? Dekat fitting room aku melihat seorang wanita yang sudah kukenal lama sekali. Karena sudah beberapa waktu tidak bersua, terlihat perubahan di wajahnya. Tidak, tidak, bukan aku ingin bilang makin tua, tapi makin menawan. Dia sedang melihat-lihat baju juga. Untuk apa, ya? "Tante," aku mendekat. "Tante Erna." Dia menengok, ternyata memang benar dia. Matanya yang semula biasa saja, berubah jadi sangat rumit sekali. Seakan sedang mencerna informasi yang amat banyak hingga tenggelam tapi tidak sampai melamun. "Sas." "Tante apa kabar? Sehat?" *** Akhirnya kita duduk saja...

"In this class, we are learning together. I am your lecturer, but I won't patronize you. And most importantly, be brave to ask. There are no stupid questions in this class and you are not stupid if you ask questions." *** This class is hardcore. The lecturer is amazing, she brings not only formal lessons but also guest lecturers from relevant fields to fill the gaps between her knowledge and the reality. I have to say that I'm enriched and entertained at the same time. She said be brave to ask, so I ask, like, anything in my mind. I crossed my way to this major from where I've been, so I think it's natural for me to ask even about the basics. And seems like the lecturer is fine and happy about it. We had a good discussion in class as if I am the only student here. But sometimes, like any other educational occasion, it be like: "Is there any question?" "Alright I think there is no more question, so let's call it a day." I feel some kind ...

Argh, not today again. Things are a bit settled down now. The thing is, it's half an hour past midnight. How am I gonna do well for the exam when I start studying past midnight every day for a week? I take the seat. "Well, what is it again tonight?" "It keeps happening. Seems like I lost my time all the time. They keep taking mine." "Do you take my advice to devour every little piece of the in-betweens?" "I just.. can't. I have this sort of understanding that I only can start studying and take care of my well-beings when everything's gone and settled down. Nighttime, the answer is. It's commonly quiet and not busy. I got little to no orders or expectations to fulfill." "What is the correlation to my advice, then?" "When it is not the time, I won't do any studying. Once I do, I have to have all eyes on the material without any disturbance." "You're not taking my advice well, then, I guess." ...

JUST FINISHED WATCHING ITAEWON CLASS. I know I have a deal with myself that I wont be that of a person who talk much about the whole korean drama and idol world and like others who can make a whole wattpad series (not just a casual review or an outpouring of feelings) about a certain drama or idol. I write because it is still warm in my head. We'll see if this get published or not (it will be, duh). For you who are reading this, be prepared to see my shallow opinion about the drama. And this is very subjective. I did enjoy the drama. After watching the whole series for about three or so months (yes, I did stop for sometime because I was expecting that I would be disappointed), what I can say is: I feel like, especially watching the first half of the series, I should be on that level of "caring that I am an adult and I have to take care of certain adult things" when I am not. This drama hit me a lot because I've always been in that thought for some years. How come a pe...